How to set boundaries

Boundaries is not about pushing people away, neither is it about building a wall around yourself. When you set boundaries, you are essentially letting people know how you want to be treated and what you plan to do if your boundaries are not respected. I know many people who are squeamish about setting boundaries, fearing that they might come across as someone difficult to get along with, or they feel that establishing boundaries with loved ones is difficult as they might risk upsetting them. These are all valid concerns, and it is true that not everyone will see your boundary setting in a positive light. Yes, you might drive some people away, but question to ask yourself is, if people are going to distance themselves from you because you are just trying to prioritize your own needs and wants, then are you sure these are the people that you want to hang out with in the first place.

Some people have difficulties setting boundaries because of low self-esteem. They believe that their self-worth is derived from others' appraisal of them, and they often prioritize others' needs and wants above their own, because of their need for approval from others. We call them "people pleasers" and I'm sure all of you have come across at least one or two in your life. You might even be a people pleaser yourself. Below are some tips that you might find useful if you are having difficulties setting boundaries:

Start believing that you are capable of setting boundaries

As they say, the mind is only capable of achieving what it believes it can do. If you tell yourself that you are a people pleaser, and that you'll never be able to set boundaries because rejecting others is too difficult, then it is likely you will stay that way. However, you can start training your mind to believe differently. One way is to recall past examples where you have successfully set boundaries, if nothing comes to mind, you can also ask your friends or family to recall incidents where you have stood up for yourself. By actively seeking out examples that contradicts what you have been saying about yourself, you are prepping your mind to think differently about yourself

How to communicate your boundaries

The most effective way is to just be direct about it. It involves letting the other party know how their actions/behaviors have affected you, and what you will do if such actions/behaviors continue. Note that you are not making any request of the other party, because ultimately you can't control what others do. You can only control your own actions. For e.g. your friend is always late for meetups and you would like to put a stop to this. Boundary setting could look like this: "XX, whenever you are late for our meetups, I feel upset that you are not respecting my time. From now on, I will only wait 10 mins (or whatever you are comfortable with) for you, if you don't turn up after 10 mins, I am afraid I will have to leave.

Brace yourself for pushbacks

This is important, because majority of the time, there will be pushbacks. It is seldom that people accept your boundaries, because sometimes it involves a change on their part, and people are resistant to changes. It helps to come up with various scenarios whereby your boundary setting could be met with strong resistance, in which case, you have to be ready to stand your ground. It also involves anticipating how you would feel in response and what steps you can take to soothe your own emotions. Guilt can sometimes makes people feel so uncomfortable that they end up compromising, which is not what you want.

Last of all, perhaps the most useful advice I can give is to start small, and then use that momentum to build up to bigger victories.