Silent Treatments hits harder than Direct Confrontations

Silent treatments are one of the sure-fire ways to erode a relationship. They are an extremely unhealthy way of expressing anger or displeasure at the other party, inflicting substantial emotional abuse. Some might think that it is safer than outright arguments but that's not the case. With silent treatments, you know the other party is clearly unhappy with you, yet you are unable to engage him/her in a discussion to hash things out. Also, people who adopt silent treatments as a way to deal with conflicts are usually emotionally avoidant, so even after the silent treatment stops, he/she is unlikely to bring up what prompted the silent treatment and talk things through, preferring to sweep things under the carpet and get on with life.

I have had many experiences with silent treatments. My mom is an expert at wielding this tool since I was a kid and even now, as an adult, she still does that frequently. I could still remember the awkwardness, the uncomfortable silences, the way she got all the family members to ignore me, because talking to me meant that they were not on her side and no one dared to do that. And then after days of silent treatment, I usually buckled and pleaded with her to forgive me, because I just couldn't bear being ostracised by the entire family. I apologised not because I felt I was in the wrong, but I just had to do it because I was the kid, and kids are supposed to apologise to their parents when they have arguments, regardless of who is right or wrong. That was the mentality my parents infused in me and which I largely adhered to throughout my childhood. I have never thought to question why that should be the case, it was all in the name of filial piety, a very powerful concept that my mom used all the time to shame my siblings and I into submission.

Because silent treatments felt so terrible, I became hyper vigilant to avoid that at all costs. I learnt to watch out for subtle changes in my mom's tone of voice, her micro expressions etc, and anytime it felt like we were entering the danger zone, I instinctively backed off and frantically ran for safer grounds. Hence, I learnt to say only things that my mom wanted to hear, to never disagree with her, to humor her and do whatever she says. Thanks to her, I became quite adept at detecting people's moods. However, it also meant that our relationship suffered greatly because it never felt safe to tell her what I truly think.

The thing with silent treatment is that they seem innocuous enough. No one is shouting at each other. No physical violence. No outright abuse. Everything seems calm on the surface. Yet, there is a lot of rumblings beneath the surface. A lot of inner turmoil. A lot of pent up emotions that are being suppressed. Silent treatments chip away at the foundation of any relationship. People who adopt silent treatment are unable to express their emotions in a constructive way. They use silent treatments either as a way to punish the other party, or they cannot trust themselves to keep their cool in outright arguments and hence choose to retreat into themselves, walling themselves up as a means of self protection. However, because issues don't get discussed, things are never really resolved, they have the potential to resurface again in more destructive forms.

If you recognize yourself frequently engaging in silent treatments, and wants to change, I have some advice:

1) Set a time limit for your silent treatment. Tell the other party that you need a timeout and that you are not intentionally ignoring him/her. You just need some time to process your emotions by yourself and promise the other party that you'll re-engage when your time limit is up. Give yourself a time limit that you are comfortable with and is sufficient for you to get back to your base level of calmness.

2) Never use silent treatment as a way to punish the other party, to make him/her feel guilty, or to pressure him/her into submission

3) Eventually, you want to get to a point whereby you can stop yourself from adopting silent treatment as a means of dealing with conflicts. Whenever you feel like running away, remind yourself nothing gets resolved by escaping. Get your partner's help on this. Let him/her know that you are trying to get out of this unhealthy habit. Set up some agreements beforehand, e.g. not allowing silent treatments to persist overnight, or whatever works for both of you. The idea is for both parties to support each other and work towards resolving conflicts in more constructive ways.