Understanding Human Relationships: Attachment Styles

Mental wellness insights

Recently, one of my very good friends was going through a very tough time in her relationship. What seemed to be a very minor conflict escalated into an irreparable drift between her and her partner. As we tried to make sense of what happened, I was reminded of something that I came across earlier when I was researching on relationship related topics and that was about the different attachment styles of adults in relationships. Understanding that helped to shed some light on why communication issues frequently surface in relationships. Hence it is my hope that by sharing this awareness with more people, it could invite more self-reflection and hopefully lead to more fulfilling relationships.

There are 4 broad categories of attachment style:

Insecure-Avoidant

People with this attachment style tend to shun away from emotional intimacy. They find it hard to trust and open up to others as they are fearful of rejection and being emotionally vulnerable. They are usually very independent and self-reliant. However, they may also appear rather aloof or distant, keeping people at a distance. Their partners may have difficulties understanding them on a deep emotional level as they keep emotions to themselves, viewing any expressions of emotions as weak or undesirable. They usually respond to arguments with stonewalling, or giving their partners cold treatments, as they deem it safer than engaging further in arguments and risk escalating emotions. When they sense their relationships are at risk, they will quickly end the relationships and move on, rather than face rejections from their partners.

Insecure-Anxious

People with this attachment style frequently seek reassurance. They may have a highly sensitive nervous system and tend to ruminate or over-analyse, constantly watching out for signs of danger in their relationships. They appear clingy or needy, as separation heightens their anxieties. They usually prioritize others' needs before themselves and have difficulties setting boundaries. Because of their low self-esteem, they are constantly seeking approval from others and experience a lot of insecurities in their relationships. They may have trouble identifying their own needs and wants.

Disorganised (Fearful avoidant)

This attachment style is the rarest and most extreme form of insecure attachment, characterised by inconsistent and unpredictable behaviour. They have an extreme desire to be in a relationship while simultaneously being intensely afraid of being in one. Some may mistake this attachment style as a combination of the Anxious and Avoidant styles but it is more complex than that. They also fear intimacy and emotional closeness, similar to people with an avoidant attachment style. However, the difference is that they do not reject intimacy, they just believe that rejection is inevitable and their partners will eventually abandon them. People with such an attachment style have a high risk of developing mental health issues such as borderline personality disorders, anxiety disorders etc.

Secure

Securely attached people are able to express their needs and feelings openly due to their strong self-esteem. They feel safe and confident in their relationships and are able to trust others. They are able to provide support to others while at the same time, seeking out support when necessary. They maintain a good balance between emotional closeness and independence, enjoying time with their partners and also when alone.

Attachment styles are largely shaped during childhood, as the child attaches and relates to their caregivers. However, that is not to say that attachment styles are fixed throughout life. Adults can grow more securely attached in relationships even if they had insecure attachment styles previously. It is largely a matter of recognizing that their insecure attachment styles are not serving their relationships and taking steps to remedy them. The support of a securely attached partner also goes a long way, and having a role model to emulate is definitely useful. If both partners are of the insecure attachment style types, and are facing issues in their relationships, instead of going for counselling or therapy sessions, which might not be an available choice for some, an alternative is to self-help. With so many books available on this topic, there is no lack of material for people who wants to find out more. One book that I found particularly useful is "Secure Love" by Julie Menanno. Do check it out if you are interested and want to learn more about this topic.