Understanding Human Relationships: Four key ingredients for building strong relationships

In the last post, I wrote about the different attachment styles of individuals. In this post, we'll explore in more details the relationship dynamics for couples whereby one has an avoidant attachment style and the other an anxious attachment style. Such combinations are pretty common and there is usually a push-pull dynamic in place whereby the anxious partner advances while the avoidant partner withdraws. During arguments, the anxious partner constantly seek reassurance from their partner to alleviate their fear of being abandoned, which has the opposite effect of pushing the avoidant partner even further away. The avoidant partner just wants to retreat into their own space, to avoid getting drawn into more emotional arguments. This withdrawal makes the anxious partner feel rejected, and they double down on their efforts to get attention and seek closeness, resulting in a negative cycle.

Does it then mean that an anxious-avoidant couple are not compatible? Ironically, such a combination could work well in the short term as the withdrawal by the avoidant partner "cools down" the heat while the pursue by the anxious partner "turns up" the heat. However, repetition of the negative cycles create ruptures in the relationship, which do not bode well for long-term health of the relationship. What then, could the couple do, to improve their dynamics?

1) Awareness. Just by being aware of their individual attachment style and that of their partner could help them understand why each is behaving in a particular manner, helping to reduce many misunderstandings. There are many free quizzes on the internet if you would like to find out about your attachment style.

2) Be emotionally vulnerable. Many a times, people are afraid of showing emotional vulnerability, because of fear of rejection, thinking it will make them seem weak or undesirable. However, willing to expose yourself to the risk of rejection takes a lot of courage. When both parties are able to do that, they are better able to connect emotionally on a deeper level. Some people think that crying in front of their partners means they are showing emotional vulnerability, but those can be quite different things, depending on whether the individual is genuinely exposing his/her true feelings. Sometimes, crying is used for manipulative purposes, which in our context, cannot be deemed as showing emotional vulnerability

3) Be respectful. Disrespect for each other is one of the best indicator of whether a relationship can be long-lasting. Couples who display contempt in their communication, usually fare worse than couples who quarrel frequently but do so without contempt.

4) Practise empathy. Be able to put yourself in your partner's shoes and take on their perspectives is no easy feat, yet it reaps such significant rewards. Some people are born with a higher level of empathy than others, they have what we call emotional empathy. However, there is a 2nd type of empathy that we call cognitive empathy, which can be learned or developed if you do not have a particularly high level of emotional empathy. Emotional empathy is when you can actually fell another person's empathy whereas cognitive empathy is when you can understand another person's thoughts and feelings.

Of course, there are a whole lot of other things that couples can do to improve their relationships. However, the four I have listed above are in my opinion, key to building a strong foundation to any relationship.