Understanding parents' influence on us

Many people balk at the idea of setting boundaries with their parents. This is especially the case for Asian children, or those in collectivist cultures, where the family is seen as an extension of oneself. I come from a Chinese family, and since young, we have been taught Confucian values such as respect for elders, filial piety etc. We are supposed to obey our parents' wishes, never talk back, don't do anything to make them lose face etc. The list of things we are supposed to do as children goes on and on. However, no one ever really talks about what parents are supposed to do, or what makes a good parent. It is almost assumed that there can be no bad parents. Hence, I have never thought about whether what my parents did were right or wrong, it felt ungrateful to even assess their actions. However, years later, after I have grown up and moved out of my parents' place, the physical distance made it easier for me to see things more clearly. And that made me realise the impact they had on me, even as an adult. However, what made me got serious about examining my past sprung from an unhappy event a few years back. Thus began a long journey of self awareness and disentangling myself from their influence.

Even while I don't remember much from my childhood, there are some moments that feature prominently in my memories. I realise those are the moments that formed some of my fears or influenced part of my character or mindset as an adult. I wasn't conscious of the connection until my husband started pointing out how I am like my mom in certain areas. Instead of feeling proud that I share some similarities with my mom, I was mortified. And that was when I finally had to admit to myself, I didn't want to be like my mom. I couldn't respect her in the way I have been taught to respect my parents. I was afraid of being like her.

In order to remove the undesirable influence she had on me, I had to journey back to my childhood and start piecing together things that happened in my childhood to understand what impact they had on me as an adult. In the process, I realized there were many painful memories where I have buried them so deep, I thought I had forgotten about them. There were also many feelings that I have kept a lid on because having those feelings only served to make me unhappy and I couldn't deal with them growing up.

I have decided to write down this journey, partly to help me put my thoughts on paper so that I can free my mind, and partly because I hope my experience will help some of you who are also on your own journey to understanding yourself. And let me just put it here, this is not about blaming parents, they did what they could based on their limited experiences, which was largely trial and error. Back then, they didn't have a lot of the resources we now have. They couldn't just pick up a book or google "Good parenting" and get useful tips instantly. Their only references were their own parents, or their friends. There is also no value in blaming parents. We are responsible for the adults we become and the onus is on us to make those adjustments to become a better version of ourselves.